My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
