all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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