My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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