Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
