in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
