Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
