this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
