I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
