Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
