I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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