i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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