You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
