My room smells like vodka and shame
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
