dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
