so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There's even glitter on my cock...
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