I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I want to fling myself into the sun
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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