someone get that fucking seahorse.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
