Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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