I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
its not stalking. its research.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
