i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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