I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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