This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
