The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
