The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
