If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
