Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
