I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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