I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
