He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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