Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
