I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
