2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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