so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
