you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
