you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
