and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
