It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
