so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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