tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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