Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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