This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
