All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
