When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
