I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
