my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
