A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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