wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
