...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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