you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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