The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We don't watch enough power rangers
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
