I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
