To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
